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Just for giggles, for today’s post I’m going to "live blog" my way through the 5.9 episode of "Bonds on Bonds." This should be fun. The experiment is off to a great start already, considering the final item on the Sportscenter lead in said that if baseball and the MLBPA don’t agree on a labor agreement before the first of August, the union can revert back to the ’05 "Pretty Please Don’t Use Steroids" policy and penalties. That ought to be just the juice Barry needs to get that knee right (ha!).
I’m going to try and type the whole way through, without stopping the tape or rewinding.
And with that, I press play on the DVR, and we have…
Fuzzy shaky cam shots of "The Babe". Searing guitars. Barry pleading with us to let history happen, and then we’ll talk about it. Then reminding us that we can love or hate the guy, and it "don’t make no difference to me." God bless Kobe’s Nike commercial for providing Barry with material for this week. Maybe he’ll clone himself like those LeBron commercial for May sweeps. That should be fun.
"There are certain parts of my career that I want to give to the Hall of Fame, there are parts that I want to keep…" Balls, they get. Bats they get. A supply of helmets steadily increasing in size? Those he may want to keep. All the flaxseed oil? That definitely stays in house. He talks about how his stuff is now capable of being a lottery ticket for those who can get their hands on it. Especially the homers. That’s actually true. But this Warehouse of Barry we enter, filled with boxes of uniforms and game worn hats (again, didn’t see if they were sorted by size), tapes, bats, and other stuff. Barry says he’ll figure out what to do with it when he retires. Right now, it’s a museum to himself. Appropriate for one of today’s more self centered athletes.
The Victor Conte ad: We’ve reached the portion of the show I like to call, "Barry Spins!" Why did he do the ad for Victor? Because Conte gave protein shakes to Bobby Bonds when he was sick. I believe that, and I’m sure he was very nice. Still doesn’t explain the whole cream and clear thing.
Now we have Danny Glover! That guy still looks good! Like he could put together another three or four Lethal Weapon films. He’s here to talk about race so Barry doesn’t have to. He says that "this" (I’m assuming he means the MLB steroid investigation) is about being an attack on Barry. I don’t disagree that he’s at the center of it, but it might have something to do, maybe, perhaps, call me crazy, with all the steroid tainted homers he’s hit. One interesting thing about the race issue- it would be worth finding out if disliking Barry Bonds seems to be one thing we as a human family can all agree on. Good thing Barry has this show to present his side of the story!
I remember in the first commercial I saw for the show, he said, "There’s nobody better to hear it from then me," or something like that. Still on the fence on that one…
Back from commercial, and we’re in Milwaukee! Home of Hank Aaron. Methinks they’re a little protective of Henry’s legacy up there. Didn’t sound like he got such a good reception, and that’s from fans who have Billy Brewer to entertain them. They’re predisposed to happiness. Now we have more shots of Barry laughing and having fun, clowning in the dugout looking like just another one of the guys. The biggest problem with this show is from Day 1, or 1 A.B.I.D. (that’s After Barry In Drag) everything he does has seemed so calculated to make us like him, like he’s running for student council president or something.
Barry just got hit by the batting cage. That *****, I’ll give him that. Nobody should get hit in the head with anything. To show how that my feelings about this issue are legit, I will ignore the obvious joke about the size of the target found by the ball. That night, he didn’t get to first base for the first time all year. Pretty impressive for a guy in a hitting slump. Now we learn about how Barry doesn’t do this, or doesn’t do that, or never does this, or never does that, but he’s being pushed into it, and woe is me, and how all the attention is grinding him down. Keep in mind, I see all this watching his reality television show.
I would love to know if this show is helping or hurting him. I’d also love to see what’s on the cutting room floor.
Barry is complaining that more talented guys than him stay under the radar, but he can’t. He "can’t get back under" that radar. Again, an opportunity to make a cheap head size joke that I’m going to pass up. He’s heading to Philly, which is very exciting television. Will they boo him? Will they? Tough call there. Barry doesn’t care. He’s gonna get a cheesesteak and chill out. And hang out with Mike Schmidt! And complain again about how other guys get to have fun in baseball but he doesn’t. Or how sometimes twenty mil isn’t so great, because of all the headaches that come with it.
Are you kidding me? He acts as if the public just pulled his name out of a hat, as if the other outlet for our collective ire was Brett Tomko or Angel Berroa. he doesn’t have anything to do with his situation? Of course, according to him, he didn’t have to put himself through this, because he could have chosen to not hit so many homers. Instead he decided he wanted to be like Mays, Aaron, and Ruth. The woe-is-me meter in my apartment is about to explode. Again, he’s complaining about the attention he’s getting on his own freakin’ reality show!
And we cap the show with 713, the massive homer off the McDonald’s sign at Philly. "755 is reachable if Barry Bonds gets back into his character," says Bonds.
I’m not sure what that means, but at least he didn’t call himself "Starbury."
Can’t wait to tune in next week.